I have searched you.
Every nook and cranny, every deep, dark and beautiful place in your heart.
And I know you, like the lines on My hand, like a husband knows his wife, like a mother knows the cry of her child.
I know when you sit down, how your hip joints pop, and you fit your right knee into place over your left.
I know when you get up, how you lock your knees and square your pale shoulders like you are facing a battlefield
because you know exactly what they are going to say.
I know your thoughts
when they are pathetic and glowing and weak and mundane and black and effervescent and deeply joyful and full of intimate sorrow
even when you feel I am far away.
I know by heart the little worn-out paths you take, how you skip steps,
the indents in the carpet where you crawl up the stairs on all fours like a tired child, and the lines of your fingertips traced on the walls of unlit hallways before bed.
I know how you sleep, the soft pillowy bed, on your side, chin tucked down, left leg hitched up, right one stretched out, right hand under the pillow, left curled under your chin like the new frond of a fern. You switch from your right side, to your left, and back again.
I know and revel in every idiosyncrasy, every little thing about you, dear one.
I know exactly what you are going to say
when your violent tongue punches out at your cheek, when your wide brown eyes crinkle with laughter, when you inhale shakily before you sing the first notes
when your face is hot and your throat is tight with tears
when your breath is stolen away by magnificence and sadness and the beauty of it all.
I can finish your sentences.
I know you before, I know you after. I hold you close, touch your face, embrace you, because I know you better than you will ever know yourself.
Where will you go from Me?
To where will you run when you don’t want Me
when you curse Me spit upon Me reject Me forget Me
when you pack up your bag and set off like a child who doesn’t quite know how to run away from home?
Because even if you went all the way up through the clouds to Heaven, I would be there, waiting for you.
If you dug yourself deep into the fiery burning pit of Hell, so far gone from yourself and the world that you don’t even remember your own name, I would find you, take you up in My open arms.
If you made yourself some wax wings and flew into the rising sun, or if you fell into the bottom of the Pacific and sunk
into oblivion, where no eyes can go
I would be with you, going ahead of you, holding onto your hand.
When sorrow and terror and evil swallow the light and you fear you will drown in the blackness of this world, don’t fear. I can see you, even in the dark.
I know you, and I will lead you out. Because the darkness you face is nothing compared to Me and My love for you.
I made you, you know. Your heart, your brain, your eyes, soul, hunger, passion, hurt, love.
I thought of you, and in the womb, you became, two cells, then four, then a million. Knitted together, on purpose, in order, because I wanted you that way.
I know every part of you, every part of you, on purpose.
Don’t you think that means something?
You are set apart. I made you different than the rest. You are exactly who I intended you to be in this moment. I intended beauty.
And though you have a thousand scars–the scars both you and others carved–know that, in the depths of your being, you are Mine. I am covering you with beauty once more.
Long ago, I saw you come together like bits of the most amazing puzzle in the universe, like the weft and warp and weave of a loom coming together to create a masterpiece, deep in the secret thunderous heart of the earth. I saw each piece separately,
the memories of your fourth birthday
your love for orange candy
your first drink
your first love
a little girl with your nose
and I wrote them all down in My book before any two pieces had time to come together or fall apart.
I saw the picture they made of you and I fell in love with who I saw. And I decided that I would know you for the rest of forever.
You–you are precious to Me.
Remember this. Remember Me. Treasure the vast number of My thoughts for you, which are a million-fold, like grains of sand on a beach, like hairs on your head, like sparrows in the sky, like the individual tears that trace maps on your cheek, like the sum of all your laughs
and know that when you wake up, every morning, forever
I am with you.